Chin Priscilla
Remember that adorable little one you used to tuck in bed, drive to birthday parties, and take to the park? That child is long gone and replaced by a cranky young person.
Every parent of a teenager has gone through a similar experience. Just yesterday, they were staring at you like their life depended on it. Now, they spend days locked in their bedroom, barely saying two sentences to you all day. And when they do, it’s only in the most yes/no laconic replies.
You frequently receive a theatrical eye roll, and you worry if you’ve suddenly become the most embarrassing person. You start wondering if everything is okay with your teen. This stage of life, characterized by mood swings and rebellion, is the result of complex self-discovery, hormonal transformation, and much more.
But you’re not alone in this. Keep reading, because we’ll explore what teenage angst is all about and offer practical tips to help you understand and cope with your angsty teenager.
What Exactly is Teenage Angst?
Is your teenager on a permanent emotional rollercoaster? Do they experience sudden mood swings and seem to radiate misery and discomfort? This is how an angsty teenager typically looks like.
The term “angst” comes from humanistic philosophy, referring to the profound anxiety or dread that comes from realizing one’s freedom and responsibility to shape one’s life. And this experience is something that most teenagers can relate to. Teenage angst is a mix of anxiety, frustration, and rebelliousness that many teenagers experience as they navigate the challenges of adolescence.
These feelings and mood swings can be triggered by specific events such as school tests, sibling conflicts, or romantic troubles. However, angst is more of a vague, floating mood state directed against everything and nothing all at once. When you ask a cranky teen what’s wrong, they’ll probably respond with “Nothing! “Everything!” or “I don’t know! Why can’t you just leave me alone?!” All of these responses are probably true, as they struggle to navigate their feelings.
But what causes this storm of emotions?
What Causes Teenage Angst?
Your once well-adjusted child can become moody, grumpy, and distant. Introverted kids may become excessively shy and withdrawn. In contrast, extroverted or expressive children may become outspoken, angry, or rebellious. Quite a few things may turn children into angsty teenagers.
Hormones & Body Image
When puberty hits, teenagers experience a burst of hormonal changes that make them feel everything more intensely. Their bodies undergo dramatic transformations over several years, requiring constant adjustments, which can be pretty unsettling. Your teen may struggle with how they perceive their body. They may stress over their appearance and get fixated on perceived imperfections, even if they are small or nonexistent. These body image issues can lead to low self-esteem, low mood, and mood swings.
Studies have shown that having a negative perception of your body is one of the main risk factors for developing eating disorders. Teens who have a negative view of their bodies are more likely to become obsessed with body weight and follow strict diets, which can lead to severe eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia nervosa.
Adolescent counseling can provide a secure environment for your teen to identify and challenge negative thoughts and beliefs, boost confidence, and develop a healthier self-image.
Brain Changes
Adolescent brain changes are similar to those seen during formative years. Even while children’s brains have grown to 90-95% adult size by age six, their brain development is far from complete. A teenager’s brain is still undergoing extensive transformation before operating as an adult brain. Your teen’s brain is still developing, significantly impacting their thinking, behavior, and emotional responses.
However, this brain development in the teenage years is not synchronized. The amygdala and other emotional processing areas of the brain mature quickly. In contrast, areas such as the prefrontal cortex only fully matured in the early twenties.
The amygdala regulates emotions, aggression, and intuition. Conversely, the prefrontal cortex is vital for mood regulation, impulse control, and the ability to plan and understand the implications of our actions. Because their prefrontal cortex is still maturing, teens may rely mainly on the amygdala to make decisions. This gap in brain development may explain much of the teenage angst.
Quest for Identity
Adolescence is critical for teenagers to determine who they are and where they fit. This search for oneself might result in confusion, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. Teenagers probe limits, challenge rules, and seek independence—often all at once- which can disturb teenagers and their parents or caregivers.
Peer Pressure & Social Media
Friendship and social circles take priority throughout the teenage years. Your teenager may feel enormous pressure to fit in, which can lead to worry and anxiety if they do not satisfy these (often unreasonable) expectations.
They compare themselves to their peers, seek validation on social media, and try to find their position, and this can sometimes be overwhelming. They may feel a sense of rejection that ignites them within, turning them into their harshest critics as an internal voice judges and compares them to others every time they open a social media platform. This constant comparison may erode their confidence, causing them to feel that they don’t fit anywhere. Your child may be plagued by self-doubt or even self-loathing.
While you understand that so much of your child’s social life revolves around social media, you may find it challenging to help them find balance.
A skilled teen counselor can help you and your child navigate these pressures and enjoy their technology use without letting it completely take over.
The Parent's Perspective: How to Approach an Angsty Teenager
Unlike previous generations, modern parents are typically more aware of mental health challenges teens might experience. They are commonly more open to discussing feelings and empathizing with teen struggles. However, this awareness doesn’t always help. Because your generation grew up with less (or no) influence from modern technology, you may need help understanding your child’s social media pressures.
Constant connectivity may exacerbate teenage angst. Cyberbullying, unreachable beauty standards, social media validation, and the fear of missing out (FOMO) are just a few of the digital age problems that can exacerbate adolescent anxiety. Parents must understand these current difficulties to assist their kids during adolescence properly.
When Should You Worry about Your Angsty Teenager's Well-Being?
Most teenagers experience the following behaviors, so you shouldn’t get automatically concerned if you notice some of them in your child:
Short temper: Your child may burst into tears or lash out at you, family members, and friends for minor reasons.
Risk-taking and rebellious behavior: They may be taking risks such as experimenting with substances or breaking curfew, challenging authority, behaving rudely, and questioning rules.
Mood swings: They may exhibit rapid mood changes, often without apparent cause.
Withdrawal: Your child may spend more time alone, often in their room.
Identity exploration: They may experiment with different looks, music, social groups, sports, or hobbies.
Excessive sensitivity: Your teen may react strongly to criticism or perceived offends.
Peer and social media pressure: they may feel intense pressure to fit in with their peers and current trends.
When You Should Be Concerned About Your Angsty Teenager
Almost every teen goes through a phase of angst, but how do you know when it’s more than just typical teenage behavior? It can be challenging to distinguish between “normal” teenage angst and more significant mental health issues such as anxiety or depression, because teens’ behaviors are frequently dramatic and exaggerated. So, what does teenage angst look like?
Prolonged, Sudden Mood Swings
One minute, your teen may be laughing; the next, they’re slamming doors. If your teen’s mood swings linger for weeks and appear more intense than usual, it could be an indication of a deeper issue, such as depression or anxiety.
Drastic Changes in Behavior
Look for significant shifts in eating or sleeping patterns, new friends, an abrupt reduction in academic performance, or a loss of interest in activities they previously enjoyed.
Extreme Withdrawal
Even though it is natural for adolescents to seek out some time to themselves, it is a warning sign if they isolate themselves entirely and shun any forms of social connection.
Substance Abuse
Teens often experiment with substances. However, consistent use of drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism is cause for concern.
Self-Harm
Any signs of self-inflicted harm, such as wounds, burns, and other injuries, should be taken extremely seriously. This behavior indicates that your adolescent is having difficulty effectively managing their feelings.
Extreme Rebellion
Your teen may constantly challenge rules, push back against authority, and assert their independence in not-so-subtle ways. They may be skipping school or getting in trouble, drinking and smoking, or engaging in risky sexual behaviors.
Unhealthy Eating Habits
Eating disorders can affect anyone, although they are more common in teenagers and young women. Pay attention to frequent dieting and severe dietary restrictions, preoccupation with food, eating, and calories, or obsessive concern with body size and shape.
Talking of Suicide
Statements like “I wish I were dead,” “World will be a better place without me,” and similar ones should always be taken seriously. If your teen expresses or suggests thoughts of suicide, seek professional help right away. This is a significant sign that they require immediate assistance.
Severe Anxiety
If your child’s anxiety interferes with their daily functioning, if they experience panic attacks, or feel hopeless or unable to enjoy the usual activities, consult a mental health professional.
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Communication is Key
It usually doesn’t take much to start a conflict with your teen – one word can trigger their anger, sadness, or irritation. You might not know how to talk to your child anymore because every communication attempt feels like navigating a minefield. However, insisting on open and regular communication is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship with your teen and helping them through their challenges.
Here are some tips on communicating with your angsty teenager without escalating the conflict.
Listen Actively and with Empathy
Active listening is a skill essential to effective communication. But it’s more than just hearing words; it is also about understanding the emotions and intentions that drive them. Show that you know by recognizing how they feel without passing judgment. So, when your teen says, “I hate school,” you could reply, “School can be stressful sometimes. What’s been making you the most upset?”
Choose the Right Moment
Avoid initiating serious conversations when your teen is visibly upset or stressed. Wait for a calm moment when they’re more likely to be receptive and willing to open up. For example, if your teen says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” reply, “That’s okay. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”
Avoid Blame
Use “I” statements to express your feelings instead of blaming your child when discussing their challenging behaviors. For example, say, “I feel worried when you don’t come home on time,” rather than “You never listen to me and come home on time.” Or, when they say, “You never let me do anything fun,” reply with, “I hear that you’re feeling frustrated. Can we talk about what activities you’re interested in and see if we can find a compromise?”
Involve Your Teen in Rule-Setting and Be Consistent
One of the most effective ways to reduce conflict with your angsty teen is to involve them in the process of setting reasonable rules and consequences. Instead of being an authoritarian dictator, aim to be more of a collaborator. Sit down together and have an open discussion about household expectations, curfews, chores, etc. Listen to their perspective with an open mind. What rules do they think are fair? What consequences do they suggest for not following those rules? You may be surprised at how reasonable they can be when they feel heard and respected.
Once you’ve negotiated some mutually agreed upon guidelines, your teen is much more likely to “buy in” because they had a voice in the matter. They’ll feel empowered instead of oppressed. Of course, you’re still the parent and get the final say. But that small seed of personal investment and accountability can go a long way. They’ll be less inclined to argue over rules they helped create. And when slip-ups inevitably occur, following through with consequences you both decided on ahead of time makes the discipline more palatable. Meeting your angsty teenager halfway through negotiation and compromise fosters trust, personal responsibility and healthier communication during these turbulent years.
Pick your battles wisely
The teenage years are a turbulent time filled with hormones, emotions, and a desire for independence. Trying to control every aspect of your teen’s life will likely lead to constant power struggles and resentment. Instead, focus on the truly important issues that involve their safety, health, and overall well-being. Let go of the smaller things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, like their choice of clothing or hairstyle. Choosing your battles allows you to maintain a better relationship with your teenager and avoid unnecessary conflicts. It also teaches them responsibility and autonomy, which are essential skills for adulthood. Remember, this phase won’t last forever, and by picking your battles, you can navigate these years with fewer emotional scars.
Stay Calm
Calmness can help de-escalate potential disagreements. So, keep your tone calm and steady, even if your teen’s attitude is unpleasant.
Of course, effective communication with your teen takes patience and practice. But it is worth the effort as it helps foster a stronger, more understanding relationship with your teen. Remember, your goal should not be to avoid conflict with your angsty teenager at all costs. The goal is to navigate it in a way that strengthens your connection and supports your growth and well-being.
What Else Can You Do to Support Your Teen?
You already put great effort as a parent to support your teen and protect their well-being. However, here are some practical tips on how to help your teen navigate anxiety and angst.
Encourage Healthy Outlets
Encourage your teen to participate in healthful sports like athletics, art, or hobbies. These hobbies provide a constructive outlet for their feelings and can increase their self-esteem. For example, if your teen struggles with anxiety and mood swings, encourage them to join a local theater group. This new interest can provide a creative outlet and help your child build confidence and social connections. Additionally, consider working with a counselor, as this can help your teen develop better coping mechanisms and communication skills.
Allow Them to Make Reasonable Mistakes
Overprotecting our teenagers robs them of valuable learning opportunities. While keeping them safe from truly dangerous or unethical situations is paramount, it’s important to let teens experience the consequences of reasonable mistakes and failures.
If they stay out past curfew, allow them to face the predetermined consequences like being grounded. If they procrastinate on a big school project until the last minute, resist rescuing them – let them turn in a subpar project and receive a low grade. These types of failures teach critical lessons about personal accountability, time management, overcoming obstacles, and actions having consequences.
As parents, it’s helpful to support them through the process of making mistakes, rather than trying to prevent all stumbles and falls. A few failures go further in shaping teenagers into self-sufficient, resilient adults than overprotection ever could. As long as the stakes aren’t dire, these experiences are essential for developing independence and responsibility.
Keep an Open and Supportive Home Environment
This is really a big one. Ensure your teen knows they can talk to you about anything without fear of judgment. Show interest in their lives, actively listen, and express empathy. Give them your undivided attention when they come to talk to you; put your phone away and stop whatever you’re doing to listen to what they have to say. This fosters trust and makes it simpler for children to speak up when struggling.
Give Them Space
When your teenager is in the throes of an emotional meltdown, one of the healthiest things you can do is give them space. As overwhelming and unpleasant as their mood swings may be, trying to reason with them or demand they calm down will likely only exacerbate the situation.
Teenagers can interpret criticism or commands as threats during this tumultuous phase. Step back and allow them to retreat to their room or another private area to ride out the storm of hormones and feelings raging inside them. A bit of solitude gives them room to process and self-soothe. Once the dust has settled, you can re-engage and have a thoughtful discussion about what triggered such an intense reaction. But in the heat of the moment, the healthiest intervention is often the simple gift of personal space.
Stay Connected Through Shared Interests and Hobbies
The teenage years can strain the closest of parent-child relationships as kids crave more independence. One way to maintain that bond is through shared interests and hobbies you both enjoy. Maybe you’re both fans of the same movie franchises, music artists, or sports teams. Going to see the latest Marvel film, concert, or basketball game together provides quality bonding time over a mutual passion. Or perhaps you both love hiking, reading the same book genres, or playing the same video games. Participating in these hobbies side-by-side allows for more natural conversation and chances to relate. Teens may be closemouthed in other settings, but engaging in cherished pastimes creates a comfortable environment for them to potentially open up.
Be Open to Your Teen's Feedback
It can be extremely difficult to take feedback or criticism from our own children, especially during the tumultuous teenage years. Our first instinct may be to get defensive, shut it down, or remind them that we’re the authority figures. However, if we can stay open-minded, our teenagers’ candid perspectives could provide invaluable insights about our parenting approaches and family dynamics. We have to remember that teens are straddling the worlds of childhood and adulthood, granting them the ability to view us with fresher, less biased eyes than we can view ourselves.
Their unfiltered honesty, as tough as it may be to hear at times, could shed light on our own blind spots or unhealthy patterns. Maybe we’ve developed unfair double standards, fallen into toxic communication habits, or are struggling with overprotectiveness. Our teens are primed to call out these issues in ways that give us a rare opportunity for self-reflection. While we shouldn’t simply acquiesce to any outlandish demands, we also shouldn’t automatically dismiss or punish their feedback as disrespect.
Taking a moment to sincerely consider their perspective could be a catalyst for positive change in our families. It shows wisdom and security to occasionally pause, listen, and potentially adjust our approach based on the heartfelt observations of the young people we’ve aimed to guide.
However, Not Every Emotional Outburst is Constructive Criticism.
Parenting is tricky! While it’s good to be open to feedback, it’s also critical not to take every emotional outburst or mood swing from our teens as constructive criticism. The reality is, hormonal changes and adolescent brain development can lead to unpredictable, intense emotions.
Unless your teenager’s outburst involves abusive, threatening, or dangerous behavior, try your best not to overly react or retaliate. Doing so will only fan the flames and escalate the situation. Instead, remain a calm, steady force and give them the space they need to ride out their emotional storm privately.
Once you are both calmer, you can re-approach your teen and have a thoughtful discussion about what triggered such an intense reaction. But in the heat of the moment, overreacting will likely only make the turmoil much worse before it gets better.
Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, professional assistance becomes necessary. Therapists and counselors are educated to help teens manage their emotions and develop coping strategies. If your teen’s angst appears overpowering or chronic, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
Various kinds of psychotherapy are available for teenagers, including cognitive behavioral therapy, group therapy, family therapy, interpersonal therapy, and others. These therapies use multiple interventions, strategies, and approaches to help teens and their families address the underlying issues, develop coping skills, improve communication, and more.
Taking Care of Yourself is Important Too
Dealing with an angsty teenager can be incredibly stressful. So, self-care is essential for parents. Regular exercise, hobbies, and relaxation methods, like meditation, can help you release your feelings and vent your stress. Lean on support systems like family, friends, or parenting groups to talk about your feelings and get tips.
Remember that teenage angst is a phase that will pass. Your support in overcoming this period will help your teens develop into well-rounded adults.
Conclusion
Most teenagers experience mood swings, spend days in their rooms, and challenge rules. Occasional outbursts, impulsive reactions, and mistakes are part of growing up. However, if these patterns appear repeatedly in your teenager’s behavior, consider seeking professional help.
Be open and supportive. Talk to your child about their development and any doubts they may have. Monitor their activities, habits, and friends. Patience, empathy, and self-care are essential in navigating this phase.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Chin Priscilla
Priscilla is a therapist, psychoanalyst, and the practice owner of Imagine Emotional Wellness, a culturally responsive online therapy practice in New York, New Jersey, and Washington DC.
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